You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
