Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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