just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
