this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
