all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
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