He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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