thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
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he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
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The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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