Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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