I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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