The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
NoShamevember. You game?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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