Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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