I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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