If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
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