Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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