i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
