I want to make a zoo with you.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
