i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.