My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?