He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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