You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
