did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
oh yeah. preciate
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow