Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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