Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Randomize
