i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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