If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
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His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
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I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.