Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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