dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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