She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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