I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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