I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
me + whiskey = a bad person
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
