I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
