I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
