hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
