the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
