yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
