i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize
