Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
