So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
