Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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