im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
