I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
