then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
