would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
