I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
