I'm pants shitting drunk right now
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
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