I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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