Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
