just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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