I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
