I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
