Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
