Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
