i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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