well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
