it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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