She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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