my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
